


Still Am, By God, Still Am

by tbmd1066



Series: Carpet Burns and Carousels [9]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Back at it with the mechanical functions of magic, Canon Era, Coping Mechanisms, Dealing with anxiety, Everyone knows about Merlin's magic, If I can't be a good auncle and see my niece during covid then at least Merlin should have a chance, Magic Ban Lifted (Merlin), Multi, Post-Magic Reveal, The baby is for cuteness and also because I miss my niece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26241631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbmd1066/pseuds/tbmd1066
Summary: It was nice standing in Gwen's kitchen, helping her cook. Lancelot would be back from training soon, and he'd help them tidy up. It was a reliable thing for Merlin, cooking in Gwen and Lance's cottage. Plus, it was good to get to know the newest member of the household.
Relationships: Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Carpet Burns and Carousels [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769542
Comments: 6
Kudos: 111





	Still Am, By God, Still Am

Merlin peeled the carrots by hand, although his magic buzzed at his fingertips. He shoved it down and tried to ignore the bile burning the back of his throat. "I think the big thing that bothers me about it is that I can't change my appearance. I'll always clearly be magic, and I'm just not comfortable with that yet."  
"I can't imagine you'd look much more unusual than you do now."  
"Oh, wow," Merlin placed a hand over his heart in mock offence. "Thanks, thank you very much, Councilwoman DuLac, you always know what to say to make me feel better." Gwen's promotion after Uther's passing had been much more dramatic than his own. Both she and her husband were established as new council members at the beginning of Arthur's reign. However, they still made time to invite Merlin for dinner frequently. It was nice standing in Gwen's kitchen, helping her cook. Lancelot would be back from training soon, and he'd help them tidy up. It was a reliable thing for Merlin, cooking in Gwen and Lance's cottage. Plus, it was good to get to know the newest member of the household.   
"Did you hear what she said, Tommy?" he addressed the cot that he'd helped Gwen pull into the kitchen. "Your mummy thinks I'm odd-looking."  
"No, that's not what I meant! I just meant that you probably won't look that different." Gwen giggled. "Don't make my son think I'm rude!"   
Merlin smiled and turned back to the sleeping baby. "Ah, yes, because he's listening so keenly." She swatted him with a dishcloth. "Anyways, I don't think it was a huge change, but it was a pretty clear one." He gestured at his eyes.  
"Did they really glow all the time?" she asked.  
"Yep."  
"Well, I've seen you do magic; it's not always that noticeable."   
"Gwen, it is. Anyone who meets me, or makes eye contact with me in the street will know exactly what I am." And it hadn't been long since that would have given them every freedom to kill him. He would never forget that. "It's terrifying."  
Gwen paused in the peeling of the turnips. "Maybe you could wear a big hat." Merlin laughed. "I mean it! A hat with a wide brim; it'd hide your eyes and protect you from the sun. You know, you're very pale, Merlin."  
"I'm fine in the sun. And I'm not that pale!"  
"Hm." Gwen held up a white porcelain dish next to Merlin's face. "Are you sure?"  
He slapped her hand away gently. "Knock it off. Anyways, I don't think a hat is the answer."   
"Well, so long as you're uncomfortable with strangers seeing you as a warlock, you'll have to figure something out. Can you disguise your magic with magic?"  
Merlin tilted his head. "How do you mean?"   
"Like the way you disguised yourself as that old man."  
Merlin winced. He'd only had to use his Dragoon disguise a couple of times. It had taken Arthur an embarrassingly long time to figure out it was him, and he still hadn't stopped laughing about it.   
"That wasn't an illusion, though, I actually aged myself sixty years."   
"Oh."  
"Yeah, it was not comfortable."  
"Could you do it as an illusion? Not to be an old man, but for your eyes, I mean."  
Merlin thought about it. "Maybe. I don't think I could do that now, but after I release the magic, maybe. That's a big maybe, though."  
"Right."  
"I know some fey use glamours to look human. I could look into that..." He thought about it. He might be able to find some books on it in Geoffrey's collection or ask the druids about it. It would be hard to find fey to speak to directly, and he would have to give something in exchange for the information. Bartering with the fair folk was dangerous, especially if you didn't know exactly what you were getting into. Morgana had been working on building a network in the magical community. He could ask her if she knew any illusionists.   
"You want to go now." She was right; he was itching to get to Camelot's library.  
"No, no!" he lied politely. "I'm helping you roast a chicken."   
"This is a duck."  
"...Oh." Merlin looked at the bird in the roasting pan. "I did think it looked a little odd."  
They both burst out laughing.  
"Stop, stop, we'll wake the baby!" Merlin giggled.   
"Oh, it's fine, he should wake up now anyways; otherwise, he won't make it through the night." Gwen crossed over to Tommy's cot and picked him up. "Hey, sweetie, rise and shine. Your Uncle Merlin's here, you wanna say hello?"   
The baby started crying.   
"Ah, he's very happy to see me."   
"Oh, he's just fussing because I woke him."   
Merlin nodded. "I get it. Arthur's like that, too."   
"I'm going to go feed him. Would you keep an eye on this? Lance should be back any minute."  
"Alright. Bye, Tommy."   
Gwen and Tommy disappeared into the nursery. Merlin placed the carrots and turnips into the salted water to soften them. He thought about what Gwen had said. An illusion... He hadn't worked with illusions often, finding them tricky. Fundamentally he knew that they were a manipulation of light and sometimes soundwaves. Still, they tended to be complex and easy to mess up. Perhaps there were some simpler illusions or ones that integrated potion work to stabilize them.   
Merlin was still thinking about it when Lancelot got back.   
"Hello, Merlin."  
"Hey." Merlin waved. "Gwen's just in the other room feeding Tommy."  
"Oh, good. I bought a bottle of wine to have with dinner."   
"Oh...great." Merlin was twenty-eight years old and still hated wine. Gaius had said it was an acquired taste, but in all the years Merlin had been in Camelot, he'd failed to acquire it.  
"And this is for you." Lance held up a jug of milk. He'd known that Merlin didn't like wine for ages, but the mage was nonetheless touched that he'd remembered.   
"Aw, that's thoughtful, thanks, Lancelot."   
"Well, it's not that hard to remember that you have the same culinary tastes as my seven-month-old."  
"Just shows he has good taste." Merlin grinned, using a bit of magic to lower the milk's temperature before setting it on the table. "The vegetables are nearly done."  
"It all smells wonderful."  
"Oh, who's that?" Gwen's voice came from the bedroom, clearly talking to Tommy. "Is Papa home?"   
It was impossible to miss how brightly Lancelot lit up at that. It seemed he couldn't get his child into his arms fast enough. As he cooed at his son, Gwen pulled the duck out of the oven, and Merlin mashed the turnips and carrots together, adding a bit of butter. Gwen set out the bread she'd bought that morning, and Lancelot set Tommy down in his cot next to the table. Not much talking occurred as they ate; the food was far too good, but they got chatting as the meal wound down.   
"So, how's it going with the magic?" Lancelot asked Merlin. Merlin had told all of the round table members about his difficulties releasing the extent of his powers. It had been a difficult conversation but a valuable one.   
"Well, Gwen had a good idea about it actually, to use illusions or a glamour to disguise the effects that would mark me as a sorcerer. Because frankly, I'm not always going to want people to know that at first glance."   
"Sure."   
"I'd have to do a little more research about it, but I think it could work well."   
"You want to go research it now, don't you?"   
"Well..." Merlin shook his head. "No, no, we're having dinner, Lancelot."   
"Merlin," Lancelot and Gwen both smiled. "Go," Gwen said. "We know how important this is."  
Merlin swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat. "Are you sure?"  
Lancelot nodded. "Of course, my friend. Good luck."   
Merlin got up from his seat and hugged Lancelot and Gwen quickly. He gave Tom a peck on the forehead and rushed to the library. It was very late, but he was half convinced Geoffrey slept there.   
Indeed, the doors weren't locked, and he was able to grab a few tomes on illusions and fey magic. Every day he thanked the Triple Goddess for Geoffrey of Monmouth's secret back room where he had traitorously hidden books from Uther. More were coming in all the time since the ban had been lifted, the glistening leather bindings shiny and new. They stuck out like a load of sore thumbs, but it made them easy to find. He left a note on Geoffrey's desk detailing what books he'd borrowed, rather than wake him from snoring in his armchair.   
As soon as Merlin began walking the halls back to Arthur's chambers, he whispered a spell to enchant the books to float next to him. He summoned a light and picked one up to start reading immediately—no reason to wait if he didn't have to.  
"Deceit through Disguise: A Compilation of Illusion and Transmutation Spells for Altering One's Appearance," Merlin muttered aloud as he walked the empty halls.  
It was a hefty tome, full of intricate detail, not unlike Merlin's spellbook. Indeed, as he looked through it, it was evidently quite similar. A grimoire of spells, organized by some wizard for practice and study, though this one was far more specific and better organized. The penmanship was better, too, though it lacked illustrations. He dimmed the light when he got back to Arthur's room... their room. He smiled. Arthur was sound asleep in bed, as he'd expected. The room was perfectly tidy, things put away in spots neither of them usually put things. He sighed. George was a very thorough, by-the-book sort of manservant, but it wouldn't take long to get the room back to normal.   
Merlin set the books down on the desk and read until his eyes hurt. He could do this. Most illusions to disguise a person were only meant to last for a short period, up to an hour, usually. It was difficult to make longer-lasting illusions look realistic because a lack of focus would allow them to deteriorate. On the other hand, a glamour could allow him to enchant an object to project an illusion disguising himself. He wasn't particularly experienced with artificing, but he could ask Morgana for advice. She was good at working with ritual magic and enchanting objects.   
Whether he chose short-term illusions, or a glamoured item, or both, he could do it. It would be there if he needed it.   
It was late. Merlin got up and began getting ready for bed, but paused when he saw his reflection in the mirror. He looked at himself and saw the same face that had been staring at him since he'd locked away his magic. Thin, almost gaunt for all he was the beloved of the king of Camelot. Pale, as though he didn't draw strength from the sun like every living thing but lived in a cave like some bottom feeder who'd never seen sunlight. With deep-set dark blue eyes, it was unclear if he was haunted by the past or if he was the ghost himself.  
He didn't mind his blue eyes. They were fine. Relatively fine. They were too dark, and empty where they'd once been full of light. But it was fine. He was being melodramatic; he looked fine.  
Merlin sighed and rested his head in his hands. He didn't have to keep telling himself this. He didn't have to settle for fine anymore. He could have more, he could be himself. He looked over to the bed where Arthur was splayed out, sound asleep. Arthur would always love him, as Merlin would always love Arthur. Arthur had known about Merlin's magic for eight years, and he had always been supportive. Arthur loved Merlin as he was, and would love him through the changes. That was true. Merlin knew it. But that didn't stop his heart from hammering in his chest.   
It was Morgana who had helped him find a way to relieve the anxieties his brain produced. She meditated every morning, finding peace of mind helpful in focusing her magic, but Merlin found it irritating more than anything else. He couldn't simply get his mind to settle into clarity. It ran around in circles, making him restless and more anxious than when he'd started. In his frustration, he had flopped backwards and found himself lying on the ground. And for some reason, that helped. So that's what he continued to do. People had since gotten used to seeing Merlin flat on his back at seemingly random times. If anyone asked what he was doing, he would say, "Magic, don't worry about it," and send them on their way. He took off his shoes and lay down on the smooth stone floor of Arthur's chambers. His back and the soles of his feet connected with the cool stone. The surface had been worn down by hundreds of years worth of princes and kings and their lovers. Merlin's fingers traced over scuff marks and scratches. He lay there until his heart settled in his chest, and his breath evened out. It was late. He was cold and tired.   
Merlin rose from the floor and headed to bed. He didn't bother to change into his nightclothes, just stripped and wiggled under the sheets as quietly as possible. Arthur still rolled over to look at him.   
"Oh, shit. Sorry, love, I didn't mean to wake you."  
"S'okay." Arthur blinked sleepily. "How was dinner?"  
"It was good. Sorry I was gone so late."  
"Yes, you should be, leaving me with George and his godforsaken sense of humour." Merlin chuckled, and Arthur nuzzled in close to his chest. "Missed you."  
"I missed you, too, darling."   
Apparently, something in Merlin's tone made Arthur's forehead wrinkle. "You okay?"  
Merlin was about to nod and shrug it off; Arthur was still half asleep, and he was tired. But he didn't like lying to Arthur. He wasn't good at it, and the king would just worry more. Instead, he whispered, "Ask me in the morning."

**Author's Note:**

> Some thoughts:   
> I haven't seen my niece since Christmas and she's gotten so big and she's walking now and I miss her. She lives in the US, and I'm in Canada, so I can't go see her. I missed her first birthday last month and anyways that's why I'm jazzed to write about Merlin being a good fun uncle. 
> 
> So since publishing the piece that comes before this chronologically, I have been working in therapy on managing my terrible anxiety. I'm glad to say that it is getting better, slowly, and I'm finding some ways to work on it. Defining the things that stress me out and finding ways to deal with the physical symptoms of my anxiety attacks have been important focuses for me, and I wanted to share a bit with you guys. I may write a second piece that comes between this one and I'll Let the Seabirds Cry. Not sure yet. Thank you all for your supportive comments on This Here is Not Singing, it really meant so much to me. 
> 
> The title is from The Amazing Devil's song "The Horror and the Wild," and although I don't usually include the context, I want to share the specific lines I'm referencing because they're powerful and you need to hear them. "Day by day, oh Lord, three things I pray that I might understand as best I can: How bold I was, could be, will be, still am, by God, still am." I just felt like it spoke to that strength Merlin still has and is trying to rekindle from before he stifled his magic.


End file.
